Advice for teen feeling pressured to drink and use drugs

Dear Jack,

I’m a freshman in high school and new to the area.  I came from a small farming town in the Midwest and moved to Oregon last January.  It was really tough coming to a new school in the middle of the year and especially hard coming in as a freshman. Living on a farm was hard work and I was busy most of the time helping care for the animals and the crops.  Because of the current economic problems, we had to sell our farm, move to where my dad could get work and are now living in an apartment.

I really want to fit in, but to be part of the “in crowd” I’m pressured into drinking and doing drugs.  It’s only beer and pot so my friends tell me,”It’s no big deal.”  I’ll admit that I’ve tried drinking and smoking, but it makes me feel weird and out of control.  What should I do?  I don’t want to be an outcast.

J.K.

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Dear J.K.,

Thanks for writing to me about a problem that plague many teens today.  I can imagine how hard it must be moving from a farming community to town life and beginning a new school too.  Making new friends can be a challenge.  It sounds like you have made some friends, but I’m not sure they are the right ones for you.  Peer pressure can be a very difficult to resist and if you are trying to fit in, it may lead to you making poor choices. I appreciate your honesty about the choices you have made, but I hope you will take to heart the information I want to pass on to you.

Drinking and drugs are two of the main problems facing teens today, sex being the third.  Drinking inhibits your ability to make educated choices, decisions and behaviors.  It is also a depressant so if you are feeling sad about anything, drinking can make it worse. Alcohol poisoning is on the rise with teens partying, drinking straight shots of hard alcohol then following up with beer.  Before they know it they can go into convulsions, pass out and, sometimes, die.

Drinking can also lead to using other drugs. Your ability to reason is diminished and again poor choices are made.  Pot use makes one tired and lazy.  You don’t have the energy to do anything and just feel zoned out.  Once high teens may think they are having in-depth conversations about the meaning of life or whatever, but to those around them, who are clean and sober, it may sound like gibberish.

Making healthy choices gives you the ability to have control over your life, choosing what you want to do with a clear head, not alcohol or drugs making the choices for you.  You must be in control of your life, not have your life control you and that‘s what happens when you drink and use.  I hope you take my advice and find others who want to experience life through clear eyes, not ones clouded with addictions.  If you want to talk to my mom, Toni, about this or anything else, just call CAC at (541) 734-5437 X107 or email my mom at trichmond@cacjc.org.

Jack

Advice for a teen: "I am worried about my friend's drinking!"

Dear Jack,

I’m writing to you because I am worried about my best friend.  We used to do everything together, but now she’s hanging with a different crowd at school and just isn’t the same person.  This new crowd is pretty rowdy and they like to party a lot.  I’m worried she’s been drinking, but I’m not sure.  Her attitude, appearance and habits are different.  Can you tell me some of the warning signs of someone who is using or abusing alcohol?  What can I do to help if she is drinking? 

Thanks,

Megan

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Dear Megan, 

It’s really difficult to know what to say to someone we are concerned about, especially if we’re not sure how they will respond to our concerns.  Here are some signs that may indicate use and/or abuse of alcohol:

Having friends who drink.

Having red or glassy eyes.

Being careless about personal appearance.

Being tired, making repeated health complaints.

Having diminished interest in hobbies or favorite activities.

Having trouble paying attention and remembering things.

Having changes in school performance, tardiness, absenteeism, or disciplinary problems.

Acting irresponsibly or irrationally.

Using poor judgment and engaging in risky behavior.

Lying.

It’s good to know if the people you are close to are drinking so you can step in and offer help.  Friends are there to support and look out for each other.  It’s important, even though it may be difficult, to talk about it in a relaxed, nonthreatening way.  Tell your friend you are concerned about her well-being and you don’t think badly of her.  Support and encourage her to get help.  Suggest a hotline, or a place she can get help or find someone to talk to.  Remember not to drop it.  You need to keep after her, even if she hates you at first.  Trust me, it could save her life.

If you want to talk to someone about this, you can call my mom, Toni, at the Children's Advocacy Center. Her phone number is: (541) 282-5474 EXT 107. Her email address is: trichmond@cacjc.org

Good luck Megan, you are a good friend.

Jack

Advice for teens: When your family has to move

Dear Jack,

I’m 14 years old and just moved to a new town.  I’ll be starting high school in a few weeks and I’m really nervous.  I’ve only lived in one town my entire life and had the same friends since kindergarten.  I miss them so much and am so mad at my parents for moving me.  What were they thinking?  I don’t care if my dad got a better job with more money.  I just want to go back home.  What can I do to make my parents understand and let me live with a friend's family.

Emma

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Dear Emma,

It’s never easy to move and especially when you are a teenager.  I don’t think your parents would go for the idea of you living with a friend’s family because you belong in your own family.  It’s not as if you have no parents.  It seems they are providing for you even if it doesn’t seem important to you now.  Maybe you could join some kind of sport or club.  Is there something you liked to do where you used to live?  Were you in the theater or choir or soccer?  Try to get involved and begin to make friends.  It doesn’t mean you have to give up your old ones, just add a few more new ones.  Having friends to hang with is important so once that begins to happen I think the move won’t seem so awful.

Jack

How to tell people what's bothering you

Dear Jack,

My name is Ben and I’m kind of big for my age.  Sometimes kids in the neighborhood say they are afraid of me.  I haven’t done anything wrong, but when I get mad I might frown and raise my voice.  Then they run away and tell their parents that I have been mean.  What can I do to let them know that I may not like what they are doing or saying without them thinking I’m going to hurt them?  Does this ever happen to you?  Do you ever scare kids when you have done nothing wrong?

Ben

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Dear Ben,

Sometimes I get scared of really little kids even though I’m bigger than them.  Once a little boy grabbed my nose and pinched me.  Ever since then I’m not sure what another little kid will do.  My mom is there to protect me, but sometimes I might growl to let her know I want them to stop patting, petting or just touching me.  

I guess that’s like when you frown and raise your voice.  You’re not going to hurt them; you’re just letting them know you don’t like what they are doing.  Maybe, if you stay calm, don’t frown or raise your voice, just tell them what is bothering you, it may change things. 

I can’t use words so by giving a little rumble in my throat, my mom knows to stop the little kids and let their parents know that I’m scared and why.  By doing this, both the little kid and I are protected. I hope this helps.   

If you want you can always call my mom, Toni, at the Advocacy Center.

Jack

Saying good-bye to someone you love

Dear Jack,

My name is Logan and my grandpa, who I called “Pawpaw”, just died.  I’m so sad and I don’t know what to do.  I don’t have anyone I can talk to about it or ask questions about where Pawpaw is now.  I don’t want to talk to my mom because she just cries all the time and daddy doesn’t like to talk at all.  He’s tired when he gets home from work and just wants to sit and watch T.V.

Pawpaw and I would go fishing together, he taught me to ride my bike and tie my shoelaces.  I loved him so much.  I don’t understand why he had to go away.  People tell me he won’t ever come back!

Logan

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Dear Logan,

It’s hard to say good-bye to someone you love. 

There’s a Native American Indian tale that talks about the “Circle of Life” where they believe that, just like the caterpillar “dies” only to become a butterfly, there is no “death” in the Circle of Life – only the great change.  If you ever wonder if you will see your Pawpaw again, just “close your eyes and remember him.  See him on the backs of your eyelids” and feel him in your heart.  His spirit is right there with you. 

Sometimes it helps if you have a box to put things in that reminds you of your Pawpaw - like a shoelace, or a small toy bike or a fishing lure.  Then when you are feeling especially sad, or not, you can take the special things out of the box and remember all the fun things you did together.  It can bring back all those good feelings. 

You can also draw your feelings whether they are sad, mad, glad or some other feeling -- because feelings are okay. I hope this helps you understand what to do when you have feelings you do not know how to handle.  

If you want, you can call and talk to my mom, Toni, at the Advocacy Center (541 734-5437.)  Thanks for writing.

Jack

Jack talks to teen about respect

Dear Jack,

I am 14 years old and have been dating my boyfriend Jason for three months.  The problem I’m having is he has recently gotten a lot closer to my best friend.  He flirts with her right in front of me.  He winks at her, calls her pretty and asks her for random hugs, not like a hello or good-bye hug.  The worst part is my best friend plays along even though she knows how much I like him.  I don’t know whether to confront my friend or my boyfriend.  What should I do?

LeAnn

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Dear LeAnn,

            That’s a very tough problem you are having.  Your boyfriend and best friend are probably some of the most important people in your life and they are not being respectful of your feelings.  Sometimes we might think people know how we feel when they don’t.  I would talk to each one of them.  Your best friend needs to know how hurtful it is when Jason flirts with her and she plays along.  If she is truly your friend, she will stop.  If not, then she isn’t a friend.  The same goes for Jason.  Let him know how you feel about his behavior and that you want it to stop.  Again, if he cares about you he will listen, understand and follow through.  If not, it’s time to move on.  I know that may not be what you want to hear, but you deserve to be treated with respect.  If you continue to be with someone who does not listen to you, hear what you have to say and understand, then things will likely get worse in the future. 

Please write back and let me know how things went.  You can also contact my mom, Toni Richmond at TRichmond@cacjc.org.

Jack