When you can't live with your parents

By Jack the Therapy Dog and Toni Richmond

Dear Jack,

I’m writing to you because I don’t have anyone else to talk to. 

I’ve been in my current foster home for about 4 months.  I was in two others before this one because my mom was drinking and couldn’t take care of me.  I don’t know where my dad is and I really don’t care.  Anyway, I’m scared that I will never be able to go back home if my mom does not clean up her act!  Why should I be the one who has to suffer because of the choices she is making?  It’s not that this is a bad place, because it isn’t, but it’s not my home or even a relative’s home – we don’t have any relatives that I know about, it was just me and my mom. 

I have so many feelings that I don’t know what to do.  Sometimes I feel like I’m going crazy.

Jessie

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Dear Jessie,

Thanks for writing to me.  I’m sure what you are going through is normal and you are not going crazy. When kids can’t live with their parents, their feelings can be very complicated, confusing and often chaotic.  There are feelings of disappointment, loss, uncertainty, hope and mixed loyalties.  There is disappointment because your parent has made choices that not only affect her life, but yours too.  Loss of the family, pets, school and the way of life that you knew -- even if it wasn’t always good -- at least knew what to expect.  That is not the case if you are moving from one foster home to the next.  There may be uncertainty about your future and the future of your mom.  Questions you may be asking yourself is How long will I be here?  When will my mom get well?  How is she doing? When can I go home? 

Hope is there when you think about what a new life with your mom could look like and you want it so much.  You may also hope that when adults make promises, these promises will be kept. That doesn’t always happen when a parent has a drinking problem or even when they don’t. 

Mixed loyalties may arise when you care about your foster parents and they care about you too.  You may feel as if you are not being loyal to your mom and be afraid she may doubt your love if you become close to your foster parents.  It is important to understand and believe it’s all right to love many different people at the same time. It may take a long time before you let yourself care about more than one family and not feel the pressure to choose.

Your mom needs help and, hopefully, she’s called Alcoholics Anonymous or some other treatment program.  You can make better choices than your mom.  Her problem does not mean you will have a drinking problem in your life.

I hope this has helped you to understand your feelings and not judge them as crazy.  It takes courage and help to face the uncertainty of your future and the future of your mom.  Try to talk to your foster parents or your case worker.  They will listen to you and give you the connection you need in order to receive the comfort you deserve.

Jack