Help, Jack! My family can't control their anger

Dear Jack,

I need some advice.  I’m eleven and live in a family who has trouble controlling their anger and so do I.  I know that other families have problems too, but it’s usually not EVERYBODY!  Anyway, when my mom gets mad she yells, slams things around and screams at us kids to get out.  Then she gets real quiet and doesn’t talk for days. When my dad gets mad he moves up really close, gets in your face and shakes his fist at you. Sometimes he hits.  My sister’s, who’s a teenager, gets red in the face, pushes, pinches, gives dirty looks and digs her fingernails into your skin.  She gets up real close to you, just like dad.  I don’t get angry like they do, but it might be worse.  I hit my head against the wall, cover my ears, to block out all the yelling, scratch my neck, bite my arms and, sometimes, get sick and throw up.  We really need help.

Jeremy

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Dear Jeremy,

Thank you for being so honest about yourself and about your family.  It is really important for all of you to see a professional and get some help dealing with your anger.  The professional will be able to help your mother learn how to set aside some private time for herself.  She will learn to say what she wants calmly and clearly.  Then you won’t have to cover your ears. Your dad will learn to ask for what he wants without yelling, shaking or hitting.  He will learn about respecting others so they will do what he asks out of respect and not fear.  Then you won’t feel like there’s a war going on in your stomach.  When dad makes changes it will help you not feel physically sick.  Your sister will learn that she is setting an example for you and she can get help to understand that words can be used in a loving, caring way.  Hopefully, this will help you to not scratch your neck. 

The professional can teach all of you how to get your anger out in positive ways.  For instance, when you begin to feel angry you can break up those negative thoughts with a single image, in your head, of a peaceful place or the sun shining down through the gloom of anger.  You will also learn how to express your needs and wants so others can hear you and respond to you in ways that make you feel safe, secure and loved.

You can always talk to a counselor at school who can help you, and your family, understand the reason and need to seek professional help.  They should have a list of people they can refer you to.  You can also call us at CAC, and talk to my mom, Toni, who has a list of people she knows and respects who could help too.  Thank you again, Jeremy for sharing your problem.  Please don’t hesitate to call or have your parents call.  Take care.

Jack