Teen asks Jack about her jealous, angry boyfriend

Toni and Jack

Dear Jack,

My parents are divorced and my mom lives in another state.  There used to be a lot of fighting when they were together.  She would get really mad and begin swinging.  I still love her and really miss her, but can only see her in the summers because we just don’t have the money for me to go more than once a year.  That’s a problem for me, but what I want to talk to you about has to do with dating.  I’m 15 and don’t feel like I can talk to my dad about these things.  I have a step mom too, but we’re not that close. I don’t think I’ve had a very good example of what marriage or dating should look like.  I’ve been dating this guy named Mike.  We go to school together so I see him a lot.  Sometimes I wish we didn’t go to the same school because Mike is really jealous and is always around me, wanting to know what I’m doing, who I’m talking to, who I’m texting and things like that.  I really like him and I know he cares about me because of all the attention, but sometimes it makes me a little nervous.  He can get really angry if he does not get his way or he thinks I am doing something he does not like. What can I do to make him understand that I wouldn’t do anything to hurt him?

Amy

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Dear Amy,

Thank you for writing to me.  I think it is important to know what a healthy relationship looks like and communication is the key ingredient.  In a healthy relationship if something is bothering you it’s best to talk about it.  Another thing is to have healthy boundaries -- not doing everything with your boyfriend.  It’s important to do things with your friends, have a hobby or participate in activities you like without him.  He should do the same and respect each other’s privacy.

It seems to me that Mike has difficulty with these issues.  If he is telling you what to do, checking your cell phone calls, using explosive anger, possessiveness and jealousy -- theses are all signs of abuse.  It can be difficult to tell the difference between a healthy and unhealthy relationship, but Mike is displaying some of the warning signs of an abusive relationship.  The constant monitoring that Mike is displaying is based on power and control, not equality and respect.  You may not think the unhealthy behaviors are a big deal; however, possessiveness, jealous accusations, yelling, humiliation, pulling hair, pushing or other negative, abusive behaviors are, at their root, exertions of power and control.  Remember that abuse is always a choice and you deserve to be respected.  There is no excuse for abuse of any kind.  You can get more information on-line if you look up Teen Dating Violence.  I hope this helps.  You can always call my mom, Toni, at CAC if you want to talk or have any more questions. Her phone # is: (541) 734-5437 X107

Jack