How people hurt each other with words

Dear Jack,

My name is Amber and I want to ask you about how people hurt each other with words.  I have a friend whose mom calls her names like stupid, ugly and worthless.  My friend is really smart, helps around the house and never sasses back, but it doesn’t seem to matter.  Whatever she does isn’t good enough and her mom tells her so.  Sometimes she looks at her so hard and mean, it seems like she hates her.  What’s really hard is her mom says these things in front of her friends.  I get so angry, but we’re just kids so I know it would not be right for me to say anything, but I sure want to.  What can I do?

Amber

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Dear Amber,

What is happening to your friend is very sad.  It’s what we call “emotional abuse”.  This happens when a child’s emotional competence, how they feel about themselves, is compromised, or dishonored, by name calling, degrading remarks, judgmental looks or actions and conditional love.

It seems that your friend is experiencing all of these things.  It is not up to you to talk to her mom, but maybe a counselor at school might help.  Tell them what is happening and they may be able to meet with the mom and give her some help. Sometimes parents get overwhelmed and take out their frustrations on their children.  This is not okay, but it can happen and they need help dealing with these feelings.

As far as your friend is concerned just be there for her when she needs you and even when she doesn’t.  She may not feel good enough about herself to reach out and ask for help either, but she needs someone who will care about her no matter what and that can be you.  I do hope things get better for your friend.  

If you want to talk to my mom, Toni, you could call the Advocacy Center and she’ll listen – that’s what she does best!  Thanks for writing and bye for now.

Jack