Advice to a mom whose child was abused by the same man who abused her

Therapist, Toni Richmond and Jack

Dear Jack,

I know kids are the ones that usually write to you, but I’m a mom and need some advice.  I hope you and your mom, Toni, can help me.  I recently found out that my daughter was abused by her grandfather when she was young.  She’s a grown woman now, but never told.  She is now in treatment and tells me she is doing well.  What I have never told anyone is that it happened to me too and it was the same person, my dad!

I feel so responsible for my daughter’s abuse because I never told.  It seems that back then you just kept things to yourself.  You didn’t let others know what was going on in your family.  I know I need help too, about my abuse, but I also need help to figure out how to tell my daughter how sorry I am that she was abused and I did not protect her from someone I knew could be hurtful in all the wrong ways.  Please tell me what I can do to make the hurt go away.

 

Hurting in Eagle Point

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Dear Hurting,

Thank you for your honesty.  I’m sure it took courage to tell something you have kept hidden for a very long time.  You may be surprised to know that your story is not uncommon.  Many of the families that we see here at CAC have a history of unreported abuse that goes back generations.  I’m telling you this so you know you are not alone and can find support from others who have been through the same thing.  We have a Parent Information Group at CAC that educates you on how to care for yourself, information about offenders and batterers and the effects of trauma on children.  It is provided every week on Thursday evenings.  The group does not take the place of therapy, which I highly recommend for you, but it can be an adjunct to treatment and a way to meet other parents of abused children. 

Make sure you find a therapist who has experience with trauma survivors.  The work will be difficult, but worthwhile.  The therapist may also assist you in disclosing to your daughter about your abuse; her abuse and how to work through feelings relating to your sorrow about not protecting her.  You have a hard road ahead of you, but it appears you are ready to take the first steps.  If you would like, my mom, Toni, is always here to talk to you. Again, thank you for your bravery in telling your story. 

Jack